The Art of Feeling Excluded.
I guess I’m good at fooling people? I know I did a superb job of pulling away from you last year, and maybe last year, that was what I wanted, or needed. Who knows.
But I want back in. I like all of you and want to get to know you better, and want you to get to know me better, and become better friends with you, like you all are with each other.
I know I never wait around for you and always book it and leave and walk by myself, and I know I always act fine with it.
In reality, I hate it. I really freaking hate it. I hate that I don’t walk with you guys, I hate that I never really hang out with you, I hate that I feel the need to book it and not wait for you. I see you guys all together all the time and I’m never a part of it, and I act fine, when really inside I want to cry.
I have my own group of friends that I love dearly, and I’m not giving them up, and they are some of the most amazing people ever. But I’m also very tired of going solely in my own direction. It gets lonely.
I know I don’t make as much effort as I should but to be honest, I’m a little afraid of all of you. I’m afraid you’re going to judge me and I’m afraid I won’t fit in; I guess I’m afraid that I did such an expertise job at pulling away, you’d all kind of be like…what the hell if I wanted to hang out with any of you for once or whatever.
Which I guess is my fault? I have to have confidence in the fact that I am a %100 likable person, and that you guys could like me too if we could just bridge this awful gap.
I know it seems so small, but it’s been bothering me a lot this week.
In general, I’m sick of the fact that nobody ever wants to do anything. Like I’ve had on my Facebook status ALL WEEK stuff about making plans for the weekend, and like no one responded -.- Thanks, people! *eyeroll*
There’s a lot that could be learned here from my friends in Camillus; they don’t ever forget about me.
I’m so sick of spending Friday and Saturday nights by myself in CFA, or here in my room.
