Stressed, but inspired?
It’s crazy how for me college has just been one big life lesson in how to believe in myself, and how I learned how much I didn’t believe in myself.
I was thinking about high school, and how it, apparently, really did do a number on my self-confidence as a musician. Like the other day, or maybe it was last week, whenever my last lesson was, I was trying to play a run in the Weber Concertino, and I just wasn’t getting it. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have the technique to do it, because I did. It was because I’ve spend so much time telling myself that I couldn’t and looking and lots of notes with lots of beams and freaking out. And I guess I have to overcome that, and let me tell you, the psychological barriers are way harder to overcome than the technical ones.
Anyway, I just went off- topic, ha ha. But each and every single day, I feel inept at something. I feel like I can’t do eurhythmics, if it’s not eurhythmics it’s solfege, if it’s not solfege I’m confused by “tricky, tricky Bach” as Mr. A used to say in music theory class, in counterpoint.
I realize this now because at home I was surrounded by my comfort zone and my support - my family, my closest friends, and mentors who were there to pick me up and believe in me each and every single day when I felt like I couldn’t. Here, I’m on my own, they aren’t around me every day anymore, so it’s up to me to pick myself up. I have to tell myself I can do it, I have to believe in myself because there’s no one to do it for me anymore. I don’t have a choice if I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish.
Speaking of accomplishing, I’d better go accomplish getting some homework done and getting in some good practicing now :)
But it’s amazing how much I’m not just learning about music in my classes, but about life. It’s so overwhelming sometimes, and honestly this year picked up right where last year left off in that process.
